Episode 9: Learning to Love Yourself, Honouring Your Desires, & Why Self-Love is Integral for a Life Well Lived

In this episode, I wanted to concentrate on the idea of self-love…but not in the usual, fluffy, bullshit way that we’ve all known online. Self-love is 1% of the time long baths after a hard day and a face mask – but the other 99% of the time, it’s hard fucking work. It’s showing up and staying when you don’t want to, it’s quitting when you’d rather not, and it’s pushing through the difficulties because the future benefit outweighs the present discomfort. Self-love is political. It’s doing the work.

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Episode 19: I Quit Social Media & This Is What Happened. She Uncensored

At the beginning of December, or thereabouts, I decided to quit social media for a while. I'm not a huge social media user anyway and I've never felt comfortable putting my personal life online for just anyone to see. Personally, it doesn't feel right for me to allow strangers insight into my life and to have a bigger audience than the people directly around me. Quitting social media basically meant deactivating my Instagram account as that was my main vice. (I said farewell to Facebook a few years ago, Twitter was something I never really understood the hype, Snapchat was a no, and TikTok I'll leave to Gen Z.) I just thought it would be a nice break from constantly picking up my phone and mindlessly scrolling for fifteen – twenty minutes. What I didn't expect was all the other benefits that came with it…Quite honestly, I'm shocked at how I feel now. So, in this week's episode, I discuss what I've discovered in the last few weeks, the changes I feel, and what my thoughts about social media are. This is all my opinion, by the way – you can disagree and you can argue. Right now, I'm more than happy to continue with this social media free way of life. What do you think of social media? Think I'm talking crap? Or maybe you've given up social media in 2021? Perhaps you're someone who can't live without it, or you've never had any social media accounts? Whatever your thoughts, let me know. Email me at sheuncensored@gmail.com or head to http://www.sheuncensored.com
  1. Episode 19: I Quit Social Media & This Is What Happened.
  2. Episode 18 – Making Friends with Fear in 2021
  3. Episode 17: Resilience – What it is, and how you can increase your resilience in every day life.
  4. Episode 16: You Need to Take a Break – Making Space for Rest in the Hustle Culture
  5. Episode 15: Exposing Female Beauty Standards – Assumptions, Stereotypes, & Experiences [Part 2 of 2]

Soul Whispers

Learning to trust yourself is one of the greatest gifts to yourself.
Learning to forgive, to look after, to not judge, to honour, to delight in, to be gentle with, to challenge, to be fully present with yourself, and so on…
This is not selfish; it is vital.

2019 – Resolution 2: Set Your Boundaries

“You can’t pour from an empty cup!”

Oh, we try though, don’t we? We make so many plans. We fill our diaries with all sorts of social events and hobbies and time with our partners and time with our children and meetings in work and making the food and cooking the meals and so on and so forth until one day we break.

You know the breaking point, right? We’ve all been there. For some it’s sobbing into clenched fists, or maybe it’s just a fit of rage at the most insignificant things, or it’s simply just switching off and staring at the wall whilst your dinner burns silently on the hob…

Let this year be the year you set your boundaries and say no more.

“No, I don’t want to go for coffee. Thank you for offering though.”
“No, I don’t want to come out tonight. I’ve changed my mind.”
“No, I really don’t want to cook dinner tonight. Let’s order in.”

The liberty of saying no! Because – guess what? You’re fucking allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to cancel plans. You’re allowed to do whatever you want to do in order to prioritise your happiness and, sometimes, it comes down to simplifying your life, drawing your boundaries, and stop giving of yourself to everything.

Invest your energy wisely. If you’re out there doing everything and trying to invest yourself in all that is going on, you’re only giving 10% here, another 20% there, and another 5% to something else. There’s a real beauty in simplifying your life.

Decide to say yes to the things that will give a little back to you, that will bring you joy, and things that you love. Say no to the things that you do out of a sense of duty, or you feel guilty, or you feel like you have to do it. Bring the choice back to your decisions and realise you don’t have to say yes to everything. When you do this, your life may start feeling less chaotic. You start choosing things that you genuinely want to do and, as such, your investment in things starts to increase. You stop spreading yourself so thin and realise that you have the energy to give 100% to things.

It’s also not just the activities we fill our lives with that can drain us, it’s people. There are many people in our lives that ask for our attention and, being the good friends, sisters, aunties, mothers, etc, that we are, we want to be there for everyone. However, please remember that it is not your repsonsibility to keep everyone else happy. People need to find their own happiness and, of course, you can help them but ultimately the responsibility lies with them and their choices. It’s OK to say to a friend “I would really love to help you but I’m feeling very tired right now. I’ve had a difficult day and I won’t be able to give you all the attention you deserve. Perhaps we can talk tomorrow? Then I can really give you all of me, listen to you, and help you in a much better way.”

The truth is that you exhausting yourself doesn’t help anyone. The world – your world, and the people in it – need you on fire, not burning out.

Let 2019 be the year where we draw our boundaries and invest our energy wisely.

2019 – Resolution 1: Agree to Disagree

I was speaking to a friend recently who’d had a knock of confidence. “You know those people who just make you feel this big?” she said, as she motioned an inch gap with her thumb and forefinger. “That’s how he makes me feel all the time. He’s just so…patronising.

We’ve all met those kinds of people. They just have this way of speaking to you, or looking at you, or not looking at you in some cases. They exude this sense of authority and we hate that they make us feel the way they do. Perhaps it’s a snide comment, specifically aimed at you that no-one else would understand. Or maybe it’s a sneaky side-eye look when they know that no-one else is looking. Or maybe it’s an exagerated sigh for the dramatic effect just so they make sure you know how much of a fucking imbecile you are…

But you’re not an imbecile, are you? No, you’re not.
You’re just trying your best, like everyone else in the world.

Listen to me now – you are not too much, little, lazy, hyperactive, affectionate, reserved, loud, quiet, extroverted, introverted, emotional, sensitive, or whatever else they make you feel you are.

You are not too much of anything.

You are bloody fantastic the way you are.

Think about it for a moment – Who has control over your emotions? Who has control over your self-perception? Who has power over your self-esteem?

You do. And only you do.

The only reason these people make us feel like shit is because somewhere, deep down inside of us, we actually believe what they are saying. We believe that we are too much, or too little. We believe that we are too shy, or too outspoken. We feel that they have uncovered our secret that we’ve been trying to hide. And, when we agree with what they are saying, that’s when we hand over that power to them to define how we feel about ourselves.

It stops here, darling. For 2019, let our first resolution be this – we agree to disagree with people because, the truth is, these people only have power over you if you let them.

When people make us feel like we are too much of this, or too little of that, we can hear what they say and reject it. We can disagree with their opinion because – get this! – their opinion over us is not gospel. It’s merely their opinion. In the grand scheme of things, their opinion doesn’t mean much because how is being made to feel too much or too little constructive to our growth and self-development? These people come to criticise, to steal from us. More often than not, these opinions that cut us deeply are supposed to have that effect.

So, in sum, fuck them. That’s not to say act like an asshole toward them but quietly reject their opinion and hold yourself in higher esteem.

Let 2019 be the year we take back our power and stand proud with who we are.