Hello again. It’s been a minute.
My last post was in September. That’s quite a long time for me to go without saying something and, needless to say, I’m rusty as fuck at this now but…here we go, anyway.
I posted on my Instagram that I was taking a step away for a bit to focus on expanding into a new mode of being in the world – and 2019 has been…OK, I guess. I can’t complain too much – it’s illuminated certain areas of my heart that still require some deep healing. It’s been a year of breaking down previous boundaries I erected to make myself feel safe. There’s so much more and it’s been great in terms of understanding myself but I can’t but leave this year feeling ever so slightly unsatisfied. Not only has it gone quickly – like, fucking so fast – but I feel as though I took a back seat this year. I wasn’t really pushing myself out of my comfort zone and, instead, I pushed my ass deeper into the proverbial sofa groove that formed under me. Perhaps it was fear of failure or, more likely, I just wanted to be in my comfort zone. It’s been a few years since I’ve felt settled within myself and my life has felt ordered. We moved house last December (which proved to be one of the best things we could’ve done), we are in a place of contentment, my family are well, and I think I’ve even managed to make a friend or two in this city…
So…what’s the fucking problem?
It’s this – I am so far in my comfort zone, I feel uncomfortable. I feel itchy. I feel unsettled. It’s akin to when you’ve had a big old lie-in on the weekend and you’ve enjoyed it but then you check the time and you start thinking “I really ought to get up now…”
But you don’t; you keep lying there, on Instagram, and another twenty minutes roll by followed by a promise to yourself that you really must “get up soon…”
But you don’t and you keep lying there and then it’s midday and you feel gross. The day is running away from you, and you know you need to move because it’s not even nice anymore…
I feel full. I feel so full. I feel like I’m suffocated by stuff. Just…fucking stuff. Stuff like having far too many clothes in my wardrobe. I have far too many boots – boots, for fucks sake! – in my shoe cupboard.
And cups – we have so many goddamn cups in the house and there’s fucking two of us!
Then there’s the other stuff. The bullshit I do in the evening to pass the time – hours spent on social media doing nothing. Putting up with shit from others because I’m too scared to speak my mind. Comparing my body to other people’s and not feeling good enough. Speaking negativity over myself by never being enough. Being so fucking conscious about how I present myself to other people because I’m scared of being disliked. Keeping this blog in the shadows because I’m scared people will make fun of me for saying the things I do and thinking the way I think. Eating crap food to match my crap mood. Not asking enough questions when I don’t understand something. Time spent watching Netflix instead of connecting with the ones I love. Worrying about fucking money. Spending money on shit that I don’t need, on things I don’t love, and will eventually give away anyway.
All. This. Stuff.
Cluttering my mind. Cluttering my life. Cluttering my consciousness.
We live in a world of more, more, more.
Do more, be more, ask more, take more, give more, change more, earn more, spend more, exercise more, socialise more, date more, drink more, travel more…
And, my god, we do our best to keep up. But we’re exhausted with all this shit. We accumulate the stuff. We keep up with the trends. But we feel empty…
When, in actual fact, we’re full. We’re just full of the wrong stuff.
Usually, my new year’s resolutions are all the things I want to accomplish which just ends up looking like a big to-do list that I rarely get through. I’m just adding on top of the other stuff I already have and do. So, this year, I’m switching it up.
I’m doing less. I’m making space…
I’m getting rid of the physical stuff I don’t need. My clothes are being held up to scrutiny and the things I don’t wear, the things that just don’t feel like me, are being donated. The cups are going with them, too. (Cups, for fucks sake…) And my boots will be dramatically trimmed down.
I’m purging my emotional and mental space, along with it. My social media accounts are being dramatically trimmed down. I’m unfollowing nearly everyone, save for the accounts that actually resonate with me and speak to my soul. That way, instead of scrolling through social media and forgetting everything I’ve just looked at 20 seconds after I put my phone down, I’m actively absorbing good things from educated gurus. I’m unsubscribing from all the social media influencers because my bank account cries when another YouTuber uploads a video. I’m stopping filling my time with activities just to stay busy. I’m going to stop sitting in this comfort zone of stuff I’ve created and curated…
It’s being reduced. It’s being abandoned. I’m looking at every facet of my life and asking…
Is this serving me?
Is this bringing me joy?
How does this add to my life?
How does this make me feel?
Sometimes, this extends to really difficult choices. Maybe it’s ending a friendship you tried so hard to hold onto. Maybe it’s telling the truth you’ve held in for so long, emptying your heart of the burden. Maybe it’s finally walking away from a relationship that has been aggressive with your heart.
Whatever it may be, go deep within and find out what you need to get rid of. It won’t happen overnight between 31st December 2019 – 1st January 2020. It’s going to be a process. When you move house, emptying a house of belongings is a big task and requires you opening every box, drawer, cupboard, shelf…looking inside and wondering if it is worth carrying over to the new home. Do the same with 2019.
And why does this matter so damn much?
Because when we feel the emptiness, when we allow ourselves to feel the fear and intimidating echo of the space in our lives, only then can we figure out what it really missing. Only then can we understand our true desires.
I invite you over the next few days to think about what you’d like to leave behind. 2020 is going to be wonderful, fruitful, and full of the things that truly satisfy our souls.
Purge, dear friends, create the space for what is cleared is Holy Ground. Then, expand into it slowly, gently, and mindfully.
Love and light,