Hey, bitches. I’m back.
Brand new year – new goals to achieve, new experiences to be had, new memories to be made. And, of course, new blog posts to publish. I honestly thought that with a few weeks break I would return to this little space with new ideas and ready to go. How fucking naive.
I don’t have any new ideas. I literally am writing this thinking in the back of my mind “what the fuck do I actually want to say here?” I’ve deleted and re-written this post a few times and I keep pausing after every sentence, deleting words, adding things here and there, all the while wondering “what can I say?”
That’s sort of how I feel about 2019. December 31st/January 1st are sacred to me. That midnight cross over is, in my mind, something magical. I’ve never gotten drunk on new years…wait, tell a lie. I have. It was awful.
My husband and I went out-out for the first time on New Year’s Eve in 2015 and headed into 2016 with the vow to never, ever do so again. The club was shit, the drink was worse, and we argued over something absolutely pedantic that only makes sense with 8 pints inside you. Come the morning, we wondered what the fuck we had squabbled over and – to this day – can’t remember. Thus, I decline the offer to go out-out; getting white girl wasted, throwing up, crying, and passing out with the possibility of doing this in front of a few strangers and a bouncer looking at me like I am the sole reason they hate their job…No, thanks, I’m good.
Anyway, back to the sacred-ness. I love setting resolutions. Not resolutions I can’t keep but more things I want to do, things I want to achieve, how I want to feel, and what I’m going to do to get there. When that midnight bell tolls, that fresh start is fucking liberating. Usually, I get the feeling of what the year will be like. I get this…anticipation…in the pit of my belly. I’m excited. I’m ready. I’m inspired. I’m like one of those wankers at the red stop light revving their 1.2 litre engine like they’re Lewis Hamilton’s biggest threat.
2018 was like that. Ohhh, 2018 – you absolute belter. I had the feeling that 2018 was going to be exciting, that something was going to happen. Something was going to change. I fucking felt that shit. (I will also blog about that shit at some point.)
But…2019? I got nothing. Literally, no vibes, no energy. I do not know what this year will bring. I feel like my soul is standing on a cliff, staring out into the sea, looking for that fucking cloud that will bring the rain (Sunday school gang, where you at?), and wondering if it’s ever gonna show up.
2019 feels like a blank canvas with little else to go on. This isn’t paint by numbers anymore. I don’t have the colours pre-determined for me. I don’t know which brushes to use. Even as I write this, my tummy feels funny. I’m intimidated by this year’s energy for me. This year, I can’t copy what I’ve done before. It’s time for something new. Because last year was all about making me new. The Universe works in wonderful ways and 2018 was a huge year of growth for me. Now, I have to run with what I have learned and create my own fucking reality from that. It’s like the Universe is saying “So…what’s next? What are you going to do with it?” I’m being challenged by the Universe to show up and do something. And the choice is all mine.
As I write this, I remember a quote I heard as a teenager and it’s always stuck with me. Now, it resonates with me so much more. I was obsessed with Muse as a kid. Of course, we’re talking pre-Black Holes and Revelations days because, let’s be honest, things got a bit weird from there on in. Anyway, I was watching the Hullabaloo DVD and Matt Bellamy’s closing words went something like this “It’s like being faced with a blank canvas. You can only see yourself. And you’re afraid of it.”
So, here’s to 2019 where we begin again with this little corner of the internet. I want to bring you more variety this year; a little more personality, a little more va va voom. Music. Books. Cynicism. Art. Skincare. Fashion. Places. And, most importantly, more heart and soul.
Get excited, people. Let’s see what the year brings us.