I’ve missed a few weeks of blogging due to personal shit going on that’s left me feeling angry, more than anything. I was going to post something I’d written previously but it felt inauthentic and forced. So, here we are; no drafts, just honesty.
Whenever I feel angry, or so consumed with negative energy, I am entirely uninspired and find it difficult to write. I feel like I’m shut off from that part of my soul that’s quiet, peaceful, patient, vulnerable, and operates on a basis of love alone. Everyone has that part, by the way. Even the nastiest bastards you know. It’s just, over time and life experience, that can get covered up with egoistic attempts at self-defence – a judgemental attitude, anger, hateful behaviours, etc. All these are designed to keep people at bay because they’ve tried living by that part of their soul before but they’ve been hurt by the very people who have also put up their defence mechanisms. Hate breeds hate, judgement breeds judgement, anger breeds anger; we’re all hurting and, as the rule goes – hurt people, hurt people.
Without going too much into detail, life has thrown a difficult lesson in my path. It’s made me think about love – how do you love people who are absolutely dickheads?
Like, for real.
You want to be kind to them, but they take your kindness and smash it into the ground. You give an inch, they take a mile and more. You are patient with them, only to find that they’ve betrayed you yet again. You show loyalty, and then your friend decides to gossip behind your back.
People are really fucking hard to love sometimes, right?
It’s so hard to not get cynical about the world. It’s easy to put your defence mechanisms up against everyone when that one person hurts you. Someone betrays your trust so you decide to never trust anyone again. Someone ridicules your truth so you decide to never speak again. Someone takes advantage of your generosity so you decide to never share yourself again. Higher and higher the wall goes up; more and more bricks to lay. And, therein, you hide yourself in your fortress just like everybody else.
Through our walls, we create an illusion of difference. We divide ourselves; it’s us against them. However, we have more in common than we care to admit or realise. We’re all hiding from each other because every single one of our carefully constructed fortresses have the same foundation – fear.
We’re afraid of being hurt again.
That’s why those people who are hardest to love, the biggest pricks you meet – they’re the ones crying out for love. They’re the ones who are wanting to be seen, to be heard. They’re the ones who are too afraid to come out from behind their walls but are in desperate need of someone to stick around long enough to let them emerge in safety. Is it you? Are you the one wanting to be seen? Are you the one who is afraid of people taking advantage of you again? Is it your fear of vulnerability that has kept you bound for so long?
Because whilst it can make us feel safe and secure, you not only lock everyone out but you lock yourself in. We become bound by the walls we build. We shy away from opportunities, we lock out the right people, we don’t explore the world, we turn down jobs, we don’t visit that place…When we live through fear, our world becomes smaller and smaller.
Now, hear me – it is important to not let people take advantage of you. We do need to draw our boundaries with those who are continuously hurting us, no matter how many times they apologise. They may need love but it is not your responsibility to heal deep wounds with your own effort. There is a time and a place for professional help. However, there will be some who simply fuck up because they’re living out of fear, too. Remember, there is more in common between us than there are differences. These behaviours, these words, they all come from a place of deep hurt. We needn’t construct a wall to keep everyone out.
These carefully built walls, that have taken years to build, need to be deconstructed. Rome wasn’t built in a day…neither were your defence mechanisms. When someone hurts you, forgive. When someone hurts you time and time again, forgive and walk away. But no longer build a wall. Taking down your walls means that love can flow. From you, to others; from other, to you. We cannot do life alone and, sometimes, the love that you offer someone may be the balm for a wound that restores their faith in humanity once again.