Unedited.

This blog post is coming with no plan whatsoever. Usually, I have a concept, think about it awhile, and then post it but…not today. It wouldn’t work that way today. I just feel like I need to get some shit off my chest and looking for a friend to fucking relate. I’ll probably delete this in a few days. Maybe.

When it comes to New Year, I fucking love making resolutions. I love having intention about things – this is something that is so important to me. From the tattoos that I have, to the things that I commit to…it needs to have intention – a meaning – for me. I don’t know why, it’s just the way I’m wired. So, when it comes to New Year’s Resolutions, I am so fucking into it. I reflect on the year in December and make plans. Resolutions for me are less about what I’m going to give up, or how I’m going to change, and more about the shit I want to achieve or the goals that I have in mind. When that clock strikes midnight, that is meaningful to me.

Anyway, March is upon us and I feel like the wheels should be turning toward achieving my goals…and yet I feel at a standstill. All my life I’ve tried to have goals to work toward and this year was to be no different. I’m a firm believer in your greatest strength also being your greatest weakness and, where my intention-driven and goal-focussed personality comes into play, it’s really good. It gets shit done. However, on the flip side, I have the ability to get so lost in the goal, so frustrated with slow progress, that it can turn me a little sour. I put immense pressure on myself and, as a perfectionist, my goal posts are ever changing. I’m a dick to myself, basically, and need to cut me some slack.

Yesterday, as I was thinking all this, a stupid phrase popped into my head:

Life’s not a rehearsal.

Well…isn’t that grand?
I’m all for living your best life now but, at the time, I was snowed in (like, literally – the UK had a massive bitch of a snowstorm that we just could not cope with) and on my fifth cup of tea doing fuck all. For a girl who likes goals, wasting time is not an option. And then this stupid fucking phrase popped into my head and just made me panic.

How far am I into achieving my goals? What the fuck am I doing with my life this year? What do I want to achieve? What can I be doing right now to work toward them? Not sit on my arse watching Gossip Girl drinking tea…that would help. I’m just not trying hard enough…I’m 27, for fucks sake, I should be having the time of my life and living my best life. Wait…what the fuck is my best life? I need to stop spending money and start saving it to travel. Or get a house. I mean I don’t even have a permanent place to live.

And so on.

But then I realised that this bullshit phrase didn’t bring me liberty. It didn’t make me feel free. It didn’t make me feel good. And it got me thinking – life isn’t a rehearsal but why the fuck do we expect to give our perfect performance first time around?
Life just isn’t like that.
Hell no!
We’re human, which means we are bound to make mistakes and fuck shit up. We will read the wrong lines, or stay silent when we should speak. We’ll be on the wrong side of the stage, sometimes, or we’ll miss our cue altogether. It just happens because…life.
If you were to honestly perform a play without rehearsing, you’re gonna fuck it up sometimes, right? So why do we put so much pressure to make all the right decisions, say all the right things, and just do everything correctly?
It’s simply not going to happen.

Fuck, there is so much freedom in that. I mean, think about it.

It means when we fuck up, it doesn’t mean we’re ‘going off our plan’ or we’ve irrevocably destroyed our chances. It just means we’re human. We’re just doing our thing. Most of the time, we can get it right. Sometimes, though, we’re gonna get it wrong. Get the fuck over it.

I just feel like sometimes we beat ourselves up, yaknow? For example, some people may look back at their lives and think “Oh I wish I’d just travelled more when I was younger.” Speaking like that doesn’t help anything and you need to put it into context. Why didn’t you travel? You were probably skint, enjoyed your job, and the choices you had were limited at the time. You were bound by your circumstances…but I can bet you did your best to live your greatest life within those confines. You just can’t remember it because you’re too intent on being hard on yourself. Forgive yourself, forgive your past. Some things just really are out of your control.

The way I figure it, this whole time we’re beating ourselves up about not living our best lives, we’re actually failing to see we’re doing the best we can with what we have and having a good time anyway.

That’s right – in this moment, if you silence the stupid voices that are saying “oh you should be doing this…” you’ll realise you’re actually pretty fucking happy. Because, if you weren’t happy, you would change it.

Hell, maybe you’re not happy. Maybe you’ve read that and thought “HA! Speak for yourself!” Great! You’ve come out of denial and realised that shit needs to change – so fucking change it because, well, life isn’t a rehearsal (irony.) But, neither is it fucking scripted, for that matter. Wherever you are right now, I bet you’ve endured some shit to get here. You’ve probably had to overcome doubts, 90% of them your own, and other things which have threatened to stop you. But, you’re still here! Yeah, you fucking are. And, believe me when I say this, know that I am cheering you on to make the changes you need to make to bring happiness to your life. You deserve to be happy.

I guess what I’m trying to tell myself…and you, too…is that it’s OK to not make progress. It’s OK to come to a plateau. It’s OK to fuck up. It’s OK to say the wrong thing, or not say anything at all. It’s OK because it’s just a part of life and no-one else knows their lines or cues, either. We all don’t know what to expect so just…I don’t know…go with the flow, act your part on the stage you’ve been given, and write your own script. Make it a fucking good one. Make it one that you would want to perform. Do your character. Say your lines. If you make mistakes, trip over, fall flat on your face…make mistakes here and there, it’s OK. The show will go on.

2 thoughts on “Unedited.

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