In life, animal lovers fall into one of two categories: dog person or cat person. Me? I’m a cat person, through and through. Dogs are cool and that, I grew up with three of them, but cats have this je ne sais quoi that just catches me right in the feels. I believe it was Morrissey that said he liked cats because you have to earn their love and, whilst I take everything that man says with a pinch of salt, he was right about that. Cats certainly choose you. Have you ever been over someone’s house, in saunters the cat, and she susses you out for a bit before finally allowing you to pet her? Sometimes she’ll go as far as curling up on your lap. It’s a holy moment. There’s nothing quite like being the chosen one.
Of course, there is the alternative view…when it comes to the feline variety of pet, they are very much like Marmite. Sometimes Mother Nature decides for you and you are allergic to the bastards but, other times, its just a case of not being particularly attracted to their arrogance, teeth, and claws.
If you are of the latter, this post may not be your cup of tea. However, for the dutiful cat owners out there, this one is very much for you. Incoming…the six realities of owning a cat.
1. The Staring Competition
You’re having a good day. It’s one of those days when you are getting shit done. You’ve finished the housework and you’ve just sat down with a nice hot brew…and then you feel the burning sensation in the back of your head. There she is – sat, perfectly poised, staring at you. You smile and say something cute like “Hello! Aren’t you beautiful?” desperately trying to get a reaction with various platitudes. Nothing. Not even a fucking blink. This cat is not just staring at you – she is searching your fucking soul. Is she plotting your death? Is she forming a revenge plot for the vacuuming this week? Is she waiting for you to royally fuck up just so she can tell her cat mates down the woods later on? Or is she just hungry? Before you know it, your brew has gone cold and she gives one solitary yawn before sauntering off.
Who the fuck knows what that was all about.
2. The Hedonist
You’re having a moment with your feline buddy. They’re enjoying the head scratches more than usual and you’re just bathing in their love…and then they just fuck off and do something weird. Like, jump in the bathtub and sniff the hot tap. Or find a piece of carrot peel on the floor and rub their head on it. Or they decide to have some alone time and spend some time rubbing their faces on your shoes. Or maybe another day they sit on a piece of paper…which happens to be in a book…that you’re reading. No permission, no fucks given; if it feels right they just do it.
3. The Crack Addict
More mysterious than the KFC herb recipe is the recipe that has flummoxed cat owners for a number of years – the ingredients of Dreamies. Whatever they put in those crunchy, little parcels, my cat will make herself a nuisance just to try and get a gram of them. She sits directly under my feet when I’m washing up and I have literally kicked her (by accident, calm down) without realising she was there. No matter how many times I wedge a toe between her ribs, she doesn’t care, just so long as she stands a chance of persuading me to open that treat cupboard and give her a fix.
4. The Lint Roller
Gone are the days when you could carelessly leave the house with an arrogant touch of nonchalnce. Oh no. Now we are humbled by the need to spend an extra five minutes lint rolling the shit out of our clothes. Also, it doesn’t matter if the entire contents of your wardrobe have been washed because, you can guarantee, those motherfuckers will come out caked in cat fur.
Black suit? Not anymore!
LBD? Dream on!
Black tank tee? Nope. Not today.
Basically, there’s so much fur on those motherfuckers Peta might as well organise a protest.
5. The Sixth Sense
You’ve bossed the day. You’ve come home, you’ve unwound, and you’re in bed with a book ready to sleep. You’re alone, except for your faithful, feline, companion. You’re chilling. And, without warning, he awakens. It’s the fastest he’s moved in the entire day and he’s staring blankly at the wall. Why? What’s going on? For what seems like a lifetime, he’s staring, unmoving, with eyes like saucers. Shit. Shit, fuck, shit. What is he seeing? They say that animals can detect ghosts, after all. Is death in the room? God I wish he was staring at me again like earlier. Is this a case for Derek Acorah? Will I need to get a priest in? I don’t even know a bloody priest. I need to move house. I knew there was something off about thi…Oh. No.
It’s a gnat.
A fucking gnat.
6. The Invisible Hourglass
It varies from cat to cat. No one can tell when it runs out. Humans are at the mercy of the invisible hourglass. You’re happily having a pet of the cat, having been the chosen one or just having a trusted moment with your furry friend, when the hourglass runs out. Lawd help you, child, because you are fucked. Suddenly, something which begun as a treat has turned into torture and the cat attacks you. She’s growling at you like she’s just hit a bad comedown from the purring happy place she was just occupying and the claws sink into your vulnerable wrist and you are helpless. She is a Venus fly trap around your arm, before jumping up and walking away, leaving you with a bloody stump where your hand used to be.
The house cat – truly, the Jekyll and Hyde of the animal kingdom.