Seven Proofs That I Cannot Adult

  1. Houseplants

I give them water, sunlight, open space…and yet I still have a Midas-like touch with them. Except they don’t turn to gold – they just die. I guess I’m either drowning them or starving them. I can’t even keep a sodding Cactus alive and, apparently, that’s Basic Houseplant 101.

2. Parallel Parking

Give me a mini and I’ll still park it like it’s the size of a van. My wheel rims are more scuffed than Little Timmy’s new school shoes…or I’m so far away from the kerb I need to ring a taxi to get to the path.

3. Swearing

There’s your average potty mouth and then there’s me; mouth like a sewer. Before I’m even aware of it, mid-conversation in Starbucks, I’m dropping F-Bombs and C-Bombs and receiving daggers from all the Mothers and Fathers around me. If looks could kill, I’d be a dead woman walking.

4. Ironing

I mean, honestly now, who likes ironing? You spend hours of your life squashing clothes with a hot piece of metal to make them flat. Only for them to crease again. I’m the kind of person to just hang them up and let gravity pull them out. Science, right?

5. Food

Wanna know what I had for lunch today? Seven HobNobs. Not even kidding. And now, for tea, I’m going to have Marmite on Toast. I know, I know; I make myself sick. Quite literally if I keep this up any longer.
I honestly admire people who can cook a hearty meal. Y’know – meat and two veg type dishes. I’m still at the stage where I cook things that can fit into a bowl and can be eaten with a spoon.
Baby food. I basically eat like an infant.

6. Financial Priorities

When I really need to buy That Important Thing but end up buying more clothes. Well…if I ever become bankrupt, at least I’ll look good, right?

7. Alcohol Intake

Yeah I still go from 0 – 100 real quick and, some nights, I still think mixing my Rosé and my Budweiser will get me drunk quicker. It does, but I also throw up quicker, too. One moment we’ll be having a calm conversation, the next I’m throwing up over my shoulder. Mind the splash.

 

 

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