Five types of people I am suspicious of in life.

  1. Men who smell like their mother’s washing.

They talk the talk, give you the shy compliments, and your heart skips a little when they text you.
Good hair.
Great shoes.
If you can nail those two then you can be confident everything else in between will be worth looking at, too. However…they smell like their mother’s washing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d much prefer this over them smelling like three day old Calvin’s. But if he hugs me and I get a whiff of Wild Lavender and Peony – y’all know that this boy’s Mother does a little more for him aged twenty one than just provide him with a bedroom.
Yes, he pays board and lodge, goes shopping for his Mum every Sunday, and pays his own car insurance. But I can’t shake the feeling in my gut that says he’s a Mama’s Boy through and through. I bet she still irons his pants, changes his bed sheets, and has only just stopped making him sandwiches for work. And you can bet your arse on the fact that, when you take it to the next level and move in together, he’s going to find out the Domestic Fairy was his Mum all along and he’s going to expect, naturally, that the role will fall into your lap.

Give me a boy who drowns himself in Lynx every day to camouflage the smell when he’s about five days behind on his own washing. I can forgive a few creases in his best Topman Shirt, too. His bedroom a little messy? It’s lived in. His mother daren’t go in there for fear of catching him wanking or the stench of testosterone.

Bottom line? He’s not going to be stood in front of the washing machine one day wondering where the Start button is.


  1. Couples who never argue.

You’re either lying or hiding big secrets from each other…which equates to lying, really. Liar, liar, bum’s on fire.

No, in all seriousness – who are you trying to convince? Every couple argues. It’s a perfectly natural aspect of human relationships. Think about it; you are one hell of a complex person with more layers to your personality than levels in the Empire State Building. You come with a whole range of emotions, opinions, and moods that can change in the space of one day let alone a longer period of time. Now, mix this very complexity with another person who is just as complex as you are and…boom. You have a wonderful mess of two human beings (or more…whatever floats your boat.) who are trying to get on with their lives together.

And you’re telling me you don’t argue?

Come off it. Arguments happen when there’s a clash in opinion; whether this is political or where to eat for dinner.

Or perhaps a clash of mood; because Paul has had a shit day in work and so has Jenny…who’s going to win the Shit Off?

Usually a conflict of interest; Jonathan doesn’t want to go to his Mother-in-Law’s for cooked dinner whilst Nathan does.

It’s healthy. Honestly. It really is when you put it into perspective.

I’m not talking about full on arguments that last for days and leave you feeling colder than the Ice Age toward each other. That? Not so good. And if it’s happening after just four months together, get the fuck out of that relationship ASAP.

But a good, in-depth, rant and rave, agree to disagree, moments…that just shows you’re willing to bear your soul to someone and still trust that they’ll hug you to sleep at night and love you as they fall asleep. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.


  1. Individuals who trust you enough to share other people’s secrets/the latest gossip with you.

I mean it’s nice to be trusted and all but…riddle me this…how do I know that you’re not doing exactly the same thing to another person you like just as much as me with my secrets?

No, babe, best keep it to yourself and deal with me whinging “Oh my gosh…why didn’t you tell me?!” later. At least then I know you’re solid as a rock.


  1. People who ‘don’t mind.’

Do you really not mind? At all? Or am I going to choose something that you don’t want?

If I offer you a DVD at home or the cinema and you say you’re easy either way….and I choose DVD at home…were you secretly hoping that I’d choose the latter? Do you think I’m boring?

And you don’t really mean you’ll eat anything…do you? What if I choose McDonalds over KFC? And you wanted KFC?

…But you tell me you don’t mind?

Is it me? Am I too fussy? I knew I was too fussy. I need to chill out. I really do. I mean how the fuck can you just not mind? HOW CAN YOU LEAVE YOUR LIFE TO CHANCE LIKE THAT AND LET OTHER PEOPLE MAKE THE DECISIONS?

Please, dear goodness, just give me a yes or no. Please. The responsibility of your happiness is too much to bear.

Alright maybe that’s a bit extreme but you get the jist.


  1. Garage mechanics.

“Yes I know you said my car failed the MOT and needs urgent repairs but I’ve been driving it for the past four months with no problems and TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY POUNDS ARE YOU HAVING A FUCKING LAUGH?”

Whatever they say needs to be done, I automatically think that they’re making it up just to get in my wallet. They’re the real world equivalent of that dude at the bar saying anything remotely knowledgeable to impress you just to get in your pants.

Except mechanics are older, slightly more overweight, are likely to be covered in engine oil over Hugo Boss, and it’s less acceptable to laugh at them and walk away with pure sass in your step…

…Or is it?

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