This week, I have been challenged internally. I posted on my Instagram something that summarised how I’m feeling. This season – 2020 so far, more or less – has been one that has magnified the parts that still need my attention and my healing. I’m all for sitting with emotions and doing the work but I’ve hit the wall. Stick a fucking fork in me, I’m done.

Today, I snapped. I felt the panic rising in me. “I need to get out of this fucking house,” running around to grab my car keys. I hit the road; music loud and windows down. I needed space, I needed movement, I needed to expand for a moment…

I’m driving. I’m moving. I’m concentrating on the road. The wind is thundering through the open window. The music is playing. I’m forcing myself to sing along but my voice cracks as the tears roll down my face silently and continuously.

“What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m fucking broken.”

I carried on driving until the tears stopped and so did my karaoke attempt. Onward I drove until I had a thought…

What if I’m not broken? What if I’m being invited deeper into my humanity?

This feeling we have – this feeling of brokenness – maybe our interpretation is incorrect.
If I drop a vase and it smashes, it is broken – I can’t put flowers or water in there because that’s going to make even more of a mess. Likewise, If I crack a mirror, I cannot see my reflection. Thus, the definition of broken in this respect, and the one that we are imagining of ourselves is this: deviating from it’s intended purpose.

But what if our intended purpose is to feel our humanity? How can we be broken if we are, in these moments, acting very much in accordance with our intended purpose?

This whole feeling of being broken is felt when we no longer function according to socially acceptable norms of being. When we do not have the energy to be jovial, we haven’t the energy to be nice, we are unable to get out of bed in the morning, we have no motivation, and no hope. When we are left wondering what the fuck is going to happen next. When we are a sobbing heap on the floor, screaming and heaving with rage. When we stop being these cultivated, cultured, perfect people; when we drop the bullshit act and throw ourselves on our knees before life and say – I’m done.

When we are in this state, when we are feeling so deeply, when we are bereft of hope, when we are on our knees, when we cannot take anymore – we are being invited deeper into our humanity. We seem to think that if we’re doing life right, we will only feel joy and it’ll feel easy. What if doing life right felt uncomfortable? What if it felt like despair, pain, heartache, grief interspersed with the moments of elation, joy, and laughter?

To be fully human, we must engage with all of the above. To understand this human experience, we must be prepared to feel loneliness, heartbreak, heartache, and grief. We must be prepared to feel rage and embarrassment, imperfection and sadness.

This is not wrong – it is human.

So when I am driving down the motorway, with tears falling down my face, wondering how I spiralled to this point – this is my invitation to go deeper into my raw, vulnerable, less-than-perfect, but wonderfully authentic humanity.

And then I think this – I am not broken, but I am breaking. This is an active process, not a passive state. It is not something that I am, but something that is happening for me. The seed breaks before it sprouts. The shell breaks before it is hatched. The waters break before the birth. The bud breaks before the petals show. The clouds break before the sunlight pours forth. The cocoon breaks before the butterfly takes flight…

The next time I am on my knees, I will remember that I am breaking to be birthed again, and again, and again.

I was browsing online the other day, clicking from website to website. I was indulging in a little numbing out as, sometimes, I’m guilty of getting far too involved in the melodrama of my own mind.

Clicking on a celebrity gossip site, my favourite type of internet crap, a pop-up window came up. Something about cookies, about tracking my internet browsing history to offer me tailor made adverts. (Wow, internet. You spoil me!)

I had two options: No, Thanks or Accept and Move On

Accept and Move On.

Accept and Move On.

I’m starting to believe that life really isn’t all that complicated. We make it complicated, though. We imagine every eventuality, we worry about the things that really aren’t worth worrying about, and the easiest decisions become huge dramas that require a whole night of talking through with our friends…and, even then, we don’t have an answer.

What if it’s just as simple as this: say what you feel, do what you desire, and clearly state your needs.

The only reason we believe it’s hard is because – well – we believe it’s hard. How about we replace “hard” with something else?

It’s heartbreaking.
It challenges the status quo.
It contradicts what I believed about the world.
It contradicts what other people believe about me.
It exposes my vulnerabilities.
It will shatter my foundations
It will change my life.

Maybe, when we stop hiding behind “hard”, we will start to uncover the real reason why we have these wobbles in life. And, then, we have the choice – we can remain rooted, denying ourselves of what we need to say or do or change or deeply desire…

Or, we can Accept and Move On.

Accept that it will be challenging the status quo, that other people may not look at us the same, alter our world view, expose the vulnerabilities…and so on.

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt is this – lies will keep you rooted in one place, immovable. They will stop you from coming out of wherever you have found yourself because moving from that place means coming face to face with the truth. Lies need constant care and nurture and attention to maintain them. It’s a full time job. So, you must remain to ensure the house of cards will never fall. No, thanks – I’m fine right here.

The truth, however, moves. It is fluid. It flows, it expands, it evolves. Indeed, the truth will set you free. You will know no bounds, because wherever you go you will meet the truth face to face and you will be relieved – and, quite possibly, terrified – when you do because it’s more truth, more life, more expansion into the unknown. Truth doesn’t need care and nurture and attention – it just is. It is ready and waiting for discovery. When you accept the truth, you can accept and move on and onward and ever onward into new territories, new truths, new fights, new justice, new systems, ultimately for what is right for you and everyone else. It is not passive – move on is an action that demands “What will you do with this truth? How will you let it change you?”

When you are faced with the next “hard” part in life, you have your options:

No, Thanks;

Accept and Move On.

Home.

I’ve come to learn that it is not a specific, immovable location.

Home is the conversations I have. It is the people I am surrounded by. It is laughing until I ache. It is an empty field on a quiet afternoon. It is a mountain top at sunset.

Home is a person, place, feeling, sound, an image. It is an hour, a day, a month.

Home is the place where my soul expands and says “Yes…Here.”